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Supporting our Children’s Goals
Eric Komoroff
This week on Youth Empowered (http://www.blogtalkradio.com/youth-empowered) I encouraged young people to begin setting goals, and to acknowledge the role that risk and fear often play in derailing the goal setting process. As adults, we are not immune to the fear and confusion surrounding the idea of goals, which can become problematic in our roles as teachers and mentors to the young people we care about.
Goal setting can be scary work, because the second any of us announce a goal to the universe, we inevitably open ourselves up to the potential for public failure. We take a risk. In other words: by challenging ourselves to succeed at something specific, we create an opportunity to fall short, even fall flat on our faces.
If goal setting is so potentially uncomfortable, why push our children to do it?
Because you have to…
The reality is, taking risks is an inevitable, if lamentable, part of achievement. By teaching goal setting, you help create a mindset in that young person that grounds them in the realities of the laws of the universe. Specifically, the law of cause and effect. Goal setting supports the understanding that concrete actions and moment-to-moment choices lead to progress. Young people learn that that success doesn’t happens magically—if they’re not setting goals, they’re either stagnant, or blowing in the wind.
When we teach young people the importance of goals, we must teach them how to set aspirational yet attainable goals; goals which push their boundaries while remaining achievable and realistic. We must teach them that it’s normal to fear failure—and that its also okay, and inevitable, to fall every once in a while. The most important thing is that they try: in fact, not trying is the most tragic failure of all.
Remember, when we support our children’s autonomy, and encourage their ability to set their own goals, we must accept the likelihood that their goals are different from our own expectations for them. This can be a terrifying experience, especially for parents, as we see our children grow into independent adults with goals—and minds—of their own. As Dr. Jason Stein, founder of IRYZE and co-host of Youth Empowered, said on the show this week, consider it, “the work of life.” Rather than seeing it as a fight, shift your perspective—think of yourself as simply engaging in your young person’s future in a way that is meaningful and supportive, whether you agree at the outset or not.
That is your work—and it requires a degree of “letting go.” It’s a marathon, not a race, so start off small, with a simple question—do you have any goals? Have you given any thought to creating some?
Here is an opportunity to practice what you preach where everyone wins. Whether the goal is as basic as sitting down with your kids for dinner more frequently, or something as complex as dealing with your own struggles in a way that is honest and meaningful, get specific, and create your own aspirational and attainable goals. Encourage your children’s growth by making your own a priority.
Encourage goal setting in yourself, in your family, and in the young people whose lives you touch. Share in the process, open the lines of communication, and see where it takes you!
Give Yourself the Opportunity to Fail
Eric Komoroff
Many people (grown ups included) resist setting goals. Why? Because the minute any of us announce a goal to the universe, we inevitably open ourselves up to the potential for public failure. In other words: by challenging ourselves to succeed at something specific, we create an opportunity to fall short, even fall flat on our faces. We take a risk.
I’ve learned two things from this obvious, but undervalued truth. Firstly, if you don’t try, then you’ve already failed tragically—just in a less noticeable way. And secondly, if you at least acknowledge that fear is part of the equation, everything looks different. You’ve changed the landscape. You’ve made peace with the idea that you might fail—and realized that if you do, it’s not the end of the world.
I’ve fallen flat on my face hundreds of times. All of us who’ve achieved any type of success have. It’s normal, acceptable, and inevitable even. Taking risks is simply an unavoidable, if lamentable, part of achievement.
As Dr. Jason Stein, founder of IRYZE and my co-host on Youth Empowered (http://www.blogtalkradio.com/youth-empowered), our weekly BlogTalk radio show, mentioned this week: goals ensure that we’re moving toward something, not just away from something. Goals create momentum in our lives. Without a series of goals to move us toward our personal definition of success, we’re left either stagnant, or blowing in the wind.
If stagnation and aimless wandering are not the way you envisioned your future–in fact, if you have any vision at all; whether it’s improved friendships, increased connection with your family, improved health, better grades, a good job, more community involvement, you will have to make the concrete choices that bring you closer to those ideals.
In the work that I do with young people, I always talk about setting aspirational yet attainable goals, meaning goals that push and stretch you, but are still realistically within your grasp.
When we recognize and accept the incremental nature of success: step-by-step, minute to minute, we become comfortable moving forward steadily, slowly gaining momentum, so that we can eventually set and achieve some of the larger, more out-of-reach goals for ourselves.
If this is not a process that has been encouraged by your parents, teachers, family, mentors, or coaches, consider asking for some support. Goal setting is a vital skill, even routine, to develop. And there are rewards: each time you reach your goal, you’re not only given an excuse to celebrate, you’re moving forward, you’re moving toward something!
What would you like to move towards?